I'm not going to speak for Sara...if she wants, she can comment under this blog and tell yall what she thinks...all I'm going to do is speak for myself.
I'm not so sure I should up and say "NEVER date a person who isn't a Christian." I will say that I used to believe that dating a non-believer could not hurt you...that is until I really dated one.
I wouldn't qualify my previous long-term relationship as being totally Christian vs. Non-Christian...she would contend that she IS a Christian. She is not involved in church and I can guarantee you that she would find my church unacceptable and boring...this is another issue.
The fact was, she was content with her relationship [or in my opinion at least, her lack-there-of] with God...and said so. She got angry with me when I confronted her on the issue.
By (STARK) contrast...Hannah encourages me. She lifts me up and holds me accountable. Sure we mess up, but we are on the same page spiritually and I am comfortable discussing my faith with her, whereas my previous girlfriend got uncomfortable with the whole topic. It is comforting to have a rock like her as the foundation of my spiritual support system.
There comes a point, in my opinion, when one must consider his own spiritual health. A person's spiritual health is either (1) nurtured and encouraged or (2) hurt and discouraged by the people that they surround themselves with. This means the close friends that you choose and the mate (or potential mate) that you choose should ideally be encouragers and nurturers...and folks that will hold you accountable as well.
I have a close friend that I went to Georgia Southern with who I love dearly. However, he is not an encourager and when I am with him, I find myself immediately backsliding to my old crazy ways without so much as even realizing it. I find myself having to limit my contact with this person because the way I act around him is not (as I so often say) "wearing Jesus on my sleeves." It kills my witness, and shows me to be a hypocrite. It is unfortunate because of my feelings for my friend, but he is not where I am spiritually and so far he has never shown a desire to improve where he is.
You might say "well Vic...that would basically leave me with no friends if I cut off all nonbelievers."
You don't HAVE to cut them off unless you are discouraged by their attitudes about your faith...in fact, you might be a good influence on these folks...IF they are open to it. The problem is, that most folks are not. They have seen the way you act...if you all-of-a-sudden "get religious," they will not take you very seriously. I have experienced this myself. Apparently, Sara has as well.
Sara comes from a Jewish background and didn't grow up in a Christian environment like we did...in fact, she came to Christ after a long period of time dating a believer. When I asked her if her Jewish background contributed to her reluctance to come to Christ, this is what she said:
"Family, outside influences, the way 'Christians' behave themselves and then judge others... that's what helps a non believer feel comfortable in their beliefs.
I was not told anything about Christianity growing up. They [My Family] didn't brainwash me into not believing. What helped me feel good about not being a Christian was knowing I was a better person than all of the 'Christians' I went to school with. They teased me and said I was going to hell on a daily basis when the same people were having abortions and doing drugs."
Wow...that's a powerful statement. It's often difficult for a person like me who grew up in a Christian home to understand how a person could feel resentment towards Christians...but after hearing that kind of thing from someone of a different background, it makes perfect sense. We kill our witness on a daily basis with our actions.
Christians should be encouragers...if your fellow Christian friends bring you down more than they lift you up, how do you think they treat nonbelievers? They are the same kinds of "Christians" that give real Christians a bad reputation. If you are around that type of person, not only is your spiritual health not nurtured, but you are further associated with that person...and, unfortunately because of the rule of "Guilt by Association," their actions kill your witness as well...super sad...but super true.
We aren't just talking about only dating fellow Christians...we are talking about our relationships with others in general.
So let's take a look at this all summarized real quick.
You should surround yourself with (1.) Encouragers and (2.) Spiritual Uplifters because:
1. Your own spiritual health needs nurturing and Uplifting
2. Being around the wrong kinds of folks can do the opposite.
3. Being around the wrong kinds of folks can kill your witness (however unintentional that may be on your own part)
4. Dating someone/being close friends with a different set of values from you can lead to peer pressure
5. Dating someone with a different set of values can cause child rearing controversy later (ie: you think its important for your child to go to church...your spouse doesn't and supports your kid's whining that he doesn't want to go...who wins?).
Now wait a minute...Jesus hung out with tax collectors, lepers, and prostitutes...
He didn't hang out with them...he witnessed to them. We are called to do that as well...we are called to LOVE people to Christ...
My point is: Your close relationships should not compromise your spiritual health...if they do...cut them off. If your spiritual health is hurting, your spiritual walk WILL suffer. For this reason, I do NOT recommend dating a non-believer...I wouldn't ever say do not do it...I just strongly recommend that you set up a strong spiritual support system for yourself....It is my hope that you will make Connect: Jesus a part of it!
"1 Blessed is the man that walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful. 2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law does he meditate day and night. 3 And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatever he does shall prosper. 4 The ungodly are not so: but are like the chaff which the wind drives away. 5 Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous. 6 For the LORD knows the way of the righteous: but the way of the ungodly shall perish. " - Psalms 1
Let me begin by saying a little about my background. I was raised in a very lax reform Jewish household. My parents were more concerned with making sure we had food on the table than if we were getting a good religious education. I love my parents and everything they have done for me. I had no idea what Christianity was until I got to high school. What I saw was people treating everyone around them terribly, including myself. These were the only "Christian" role models that I had, so of course I closed my heart immediately. There was only one person in my life that treated everyone with respect, and who was also a Christian: my first boyfriend and classmate Chris. We dated for 7 years, and 4 of those years I was not a Christian. Without his help and patience, I would have kept my heart closed forever. But because he gave a "non believer" a chance, and was strong enough in his own faith, we survived and had a very strong relationship.
ReplyDeleteWe are only as strong as our faith is. If Chris had not been as strong as he was in his faith, our relationship would not have worked for as long as it did, and worse, I would have been a bad influence on him. But because he was strong, he not only was able to keep his faith and make it stronger, but he helped me discover my own faith. To say that "A person's spiritual health is either (1) nurtured and encouraged or (2) hurt and discouraged by the people that they surround themselves with" is not accurate. God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle. He knows what he is doing when he puts certain people in our lives. WE are the only ones responsible for our faith, and if it grows weak or strong. We are the only ones responsible if we choose to be weak... not any non believers. Jesus loves everyone of all faiths, and he believes in EVERYONE. My goal as a Christian is to also love everyone and give them a chance.
The thing to remember is to be the body of Christ, always. When you are around non believers, but ESPECIALLY when no one is there to watch. This has to be natural, because if it isn't people will see through it right away. Vic, you can be yourself with your friends of all faiths, but stick to your guns. If they don't want to hang out with you because you aren't following them, then that is their problem.
I am not a Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, Catholic, etc. I am a believer and follower of Christ. I try every day to be like him. I believe that church isn't somewhere you go, but there is only one church: it is inside all of us, because Christ is inside of us, and he is the church. Why do you think Jesus surrounded himself with all of the "unworthy" people? Because we are ALL unworthy. This is just my opinion, but maybe, if Christians wanted to do some real good in the world, just maybe they wouldn't surround themselves with people who already believed, but with people who need guidance, the "unworthy" that Jesus surrounded himself with. Maybe we could realize that going to church twice a week and acting differently than we normally do, just because we are "in" church, isn't really doing us as much good as it could be. If the church is in us, the church is everywhere we go, and we can live like it.
-Sara Newman
James 1:22-25: But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.
ReplyDeleteJohn 3:16: For God so loved the WORLD that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.
1 Corinthians 14:1-5: Follow the way of love and eagerly desire gifts of the Spirit, especially prophecy. 2 For anyone who speaks in a tongue[a] does not speak to people but to God. Indeed, no one understands them; they utter mysteries by the Spirit. 3 But the one who prophesies speaks to people for their strengthening, encouraging and comfort. 4 Anyone who speaks in a tongue edifies themselves, but the one who prophesies edifies the church. 5 I would like every one of you to speak in tongues,[b] but I would rather have you prophesy. The one who prophesies is greater than the one who speaks in tongues,[c] unless someone interprets, so that the church may be edified.
1 Corinthians 7:15: But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.
1 Corinthians 1:17: For Christ did not send me to baptize but to preach the gospel, and not with words of eloquent wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power.
2 Peter 3:9: The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient towards you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.
Jesus paid the price of everyone's sin: Mine, yours, non believers, and believers. Everyone in the world has been given the same choice. It's our job as believers to help those in need, to guide those who need guiding. If someone asks, seeks, or knocks, it is our job to answer and open those doors. Jesus is love, and so am I. Everything happens for a reason. If God chooses for me to be with a non believer, there must be a reason for it: because he thinks I can handle that, spiritually. If Chris had not been strong in his faith, I would not be a Christian today. And I am here to say that I am going to give everyone that chance, because there are a lot of people in the world who need help.
-Sara Newman
I have also experienced dating a non-believer and in my case it was a very bad idea. Especially since he hid the fact that he was a non-believer so well that I honestly didn't know the truth until we broke up. Unfortunately during the four year relationship he caused me to backslide and basically stall out on my spiritual journey. During the time we were dating my faith basically got put on hold, not just because of him but because of some family matters that prevented us from attending church regularly. The fact that I was dating someone who had no true regard for what it says in The Bible about how to live, prevented me from learning anything new about my faith and I began to care less about following The Lord closely.
ReplyDeleteI have noticed a HUGE difference in my previous relationship and the one I am now in with Vic. Like he mentioned above, we lift each other up and hold one another accountable for our actions. Had I been in a relationship like this years before, I do believe I'd be a lot farther in my walk with the Lord, but I am blessed that I have been given the opportunity to catch up by attending a Christian college, going back to a church that I love, and finding someone who loves God just as much as I do who I can glean from.
When it comes right down to whether or not someone should date a non-believer, I believe we should take it on an individual basis. Some people are very strong Christians with their feet planted firmly in their walk with God. Others are either new Christians or are still trying to figure out what exactly it means to be a Christian. By using good judgement and prayer, you can make your own decision, but I do believe that whatever you choose you should follow through with. If you marry a non-believer, you agreed to accept the challenge of living the most Christlike life possible so that they can see what a difference God makes in your life. Not to mention you have to deal with the fact that the person you love might never accept Christ as their savior and you may not see them in Heaven. If that's a risk you're willing to take, go for it. As for me, I'm thankful that I can rest assured knowing that should something happen to my Vic that one day I will see him again because of the faith we share.
Ok, I don't disagree with everything you said Sara and I think there are a few items that we actually do agree on that I think just need some clarification. Let me take this a piece at a time:
ReplyDelete"Without his help and patience, I would have kept my heart closed forever. But because he gave a "non believer" a chance, and was strong enough in his own faith, we survived and had a very strong relationship."
- Correct, he gave you a chance. However, he could have achieved witnessing to you as a friend. He didn't have to date you to do this. I said in the very beginning of my blog that I won't say to NEVER date a non-believer...I simply stated that I would not recommend it. I never said give up on a non-believer or don't waste your time on them.
"God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle. He knows what he is doing when he puts certain people in our lives. WE are the only ones responsible for our faith, and if it grows weak or strong. We are the only ones responsible if we choose to be weak... not any non believers."
- God doesn't choose for you to date a non-believer anymore than He chooses what you wear to work and school. He gives you the freedom (and the brains) to choose who you are with. Sara, your faith may be so strong that you are immune to peer pressure but most folks are not. I know I'm not. I do not blame my friend for my inability to behave myself around him, I blame myself. I, therefor, cannot put myself in certain situations because I know what my weaknesses are. One never consciously "chooses" to be weak. Satan uses our weaknesses against us with temptation. We must therefor use our strengths, improve our weaknesses when possible, and avoid those weaknesses we cannot control. An alcoholic can no more be called "choosing" to be weak when he is in a bar than a pornography addict can be called "choosing" to look at filth when he is alone with a computer late at night. The Bible says that if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. My friend's presence causes me to sin because I revert to old times without even thinking about it...he doesn't cause damage to my faith...but his presence in my life does cause damage to my walk as a Christian...and subsequently my relationship with God as well. That's not being judgmental; it's being judicious.
"Why do you think Jesus surrounded himself with all of the "unworthy" people?"
- Jesus certainly surrounded Himself with unworthy people but he did not have a close circle that was made up of unbelievers. All 12 Disciples plus His Mother Mary and Mary Magdalene were all devout followers. They were His support system. If Jesus, Himself, needed a support system, are you telling me that you don't think it's necessary? Sara, my Granny always said that it is hard to live a Christian life..and that is absolutely right...especially when the world rejects the life we are called to live as old fashioned and intolerant. Keeping bad influences in your close circle is not going to help with that. I also stated in my blog that you may be able to be a good influence on folks that are non-believers...but where will you turn when YOU need spiritual guidance if all of your circle is made up of non-believers?
"Maybe we could realize that going to church twice a week and acting differently than we normally do, just because we are "in" church, isn't really doing us as much good as it could be."
ReplyDelete- You are correct, but you must realize the function of the local church IS important to your growth as a Christian. We need healing and love ourselves...My Philosophy with Connect: Jesus is to bring those to Christ who don't have time (or don't THINK they have time) in their busy lives. It's also to provide healing and resources to those who wish to grow spiritually. You cannot take on your burden to spread the gospel alone. Paul started local churches (the churches in Corinth and Antioch, for example), he didn't just spread the gospel...he wouldn't have been successful if he had.
Some of your Bible reference didn't really make sense to me...I'm not quite sure what the spiritual gift of speaking in tongues has to do with any of this...
"It's our job as believers to help those in need, to guide those who need guiding. If someone asks, seeks, or knocks, it is our job to answer and open those doors."
- Amen. But it is also your job to live a Christ-like life. If there are folks in your life that hinder that...you should remedy that problem. Your personal walk with the Lord is vastly more important than trying to save others...because you CAN'T save others. It is their decision. If you live a life with "Jesus on your sleeves," that kind of witness is a good start.
"If God chooses for me to be with a non believer, there must be a reason for it: because he thinks I can handle that, spiritually."
- How can you marry a non-believer? How can a non-believer stand before a pastor and God and declare that he will love and cherish you forever when he may not believe in God? I don't believe God wants you to marry a non-believer because it simply presents entirely too many child rearing and morality issues. I don't claim to know it all, but that's certainly my view. Your house will ultimately be divided unless your husband one day has some sort of miraculous epiphany and changes his ways. You cannot raise your child Biblically if your husband is not on the same page as you...it is completely improbable.
Sara, we give non-believers a chance daily...I just would never surrender my future to one...it may sound harsh, but you may as well let Satan into your home. The Bible says that you either follow Jesus Christ, or Hell is where you are bound. I cannot marry a person that does not nurture my spiritual health, agree with me on how to raise a child Biblically, and may one day end up in Hell. Chris didn't give up on you as a Christian, that is a good thing, but if you two had gotten married before you converted, you would have been in for a wild ride.
-Vic