Early Sunday morning, we decided on a church and attended their second service. Upon pulling into the parking lot, I was impressed by the size of the building and parking lot. I thought to myself "well for a church to get this large in an un-churched area like Seattle, Washington, they must be doing something right!" I noted online that their first service began at 9:30 and their second began at 11:05. Wanting to be early, we walked into the building right at 10:45.
Here's where things began to go South, and I want you to follow me here, especially if you are a pastor:
1. At the door, there was a gentleman handing out bulletins. He did not speak to us, he simply handed us a bulletin. Feeling a little awkward about the situation, I spoke to him after we were already past him. "Good morning! How are you?" He stiffly said "Hi" and looked away. Not a good start.
2. When we passed Mr. Personality at the door, there were tons of people standing in the lobby. The doors were closed to the sanctuary as, apparently, the first service had run over. After my brother and I stood there awkwardly a few moments, no one came over. No one even made eye contact. My feelings were that it was "cold." The people seemed to be disconnected. It must be sort of like what homeless people feel like when we walk right past them and ignore them. I won't lie, I felt bad. For one thing, as a visitor, to be ignored like this in church just makes you feel absolutely worthless. For another, as a minister, it angers me...but I'll get into that part later.
3. After being utterly and completely underwhelmed by the people of this church in the lobby, I decided to take the liberty to find more information for myself. I thought to myself "I don't know where to go or what to do. I feel like a fish COMPLETELY out of water!"...which, incidentally, is out of character for me in a church since I have preached in more churches than I can even count at this point. I noticed a "Welcome Desk" over near the corner of the room and motioned for my brother to follow me. Upon coming to the desk, the 50 or 60-something lady sitting there was reading...something. When she didn't notice us after a moment or two, I finally said (politely, mind you) "Hi...good morning!" She looked up, seemingly annoyed that I would dare interrupt her reading session and said stiffly "yes?" (Wondering at this point if she and the bulletin guy aren't married?) I said "Well my brother and I are visiting this morning and we would just like to know what you like for your visitors to do?" To my absolute AMAZEMENT she responded "I'm not following..." In disbelief, I said "Well...for instance, I noticed online that your second service begins at 11:05 and it is about 10:55 now...what time do you begin allowing people into the sanctuary?" She looked up at me and (I swear to Buddha...not really, but seriously!) said "11:15." Now I have been a history teacher for several years and not a math person...but the last time I checked, 11:05 comes BEFORE 11:15...so I stood there kind of puzzled for a second. She began speaking VERY slowly as if I were stupid and said "BETWEEN. 11:05. AND. 11:15." At this point I was beginning to lose my temper...so I said "Oh I see now...I assumed since it said online that services BEGIN at 11:05 that you would let people in before then but evidently you start at a later time. Thank you for all of your help!" As we walked away, my brother looked at me and said "My goodness she was dumb, wasn't she???" I don't know if that was the correct descriptor, but the words "polite" or "helpful" definitely didn't work either.
4. Shortly before 11:05 (which, evidently has no significance what-so-ever now), a very nice man came over and introduced himself as the Associate Pastor. He asked me if we were visiting and I said yes. He asked if anyone had spoken to us and I said no. He apologized and made brief small-talk with us and then went into the sanctuary. I have no gripes about him. He was cool.
5. Not a single member spoke to us before the service. No one. It's like we weren't even there. We sat near the back of the sanctuary/worship center. No interaction at all with anyone.
6. The worship service was wonderful. The music was great. The music selection was great. The musicians were great.
7. The pastor's sermon was wonderful. It was biblically and Christ-centered. If it were not for this or the music any chance of my brother going back may have been squashed. Fortunately, he enjoyed those two elements enough to give it another try after I came back to Georgia.
8. There seemed to be very little fellowship between the members themselves. As an outsider looking in, I could pick out the cliques. I could practically map them in the sanctuary. There was no sense of community at all. It occurred to me: how could this church love visitors when they don't even seem to love one another?
9. As we left, again, no interaction came from the congregation. I made sure to speak to the Associate Pastor again and thank him for his kindness. When he asked where we were from and I told him Georgia, he called over a very nice couple that are also from Georgia. They, too, were very kind and I considered it a blessing from God that my brother now knew a family in the church that he could associate with and be friends.
10. We left. My brother was pleased and I was happy that he was...but I was also supremely disappointed on many levels.
So what did I learn from the First Church of Awkward Unfriendliness?
1. TRAIN your ushers and choose them wisely: Ushers should do MORE than simply hand you your bulletin. At the VERY least they need to know how to welcome people. Ushers should be well-trained in several things:
a. Greeting people warmly and with a smile
b. Finding out if a person needs information and getting it to them
c. Helping a person find a seat they are comfortable with
d. Taking up the offering (if your greeters are the same as your ushers)
Churches need to make sure that they choose friendly people to be greeters/ushers. My experience with Mr. Personality at the front door of the church is a primary example as to why this is important. Perhaps church leaders could have training sessions with ushers and role play. Show them WHAT exactly you want them to say. Let them come to the door and YOU take the role of the usher. Ask them if they are new. Introduce them to people. Lead them to a GOOD seat. Make them feel like VIPs. Either way...a few days of training sprinkled in could do wonders.
2. Talk with people who regularly hangout in the lobby before church about the importance of speaking to guests and getting them to where they need to be so that they do not feel awkward. Perhaps you could actually appoint a few people to actually LOOK for guests and what to do when they see them.
Also, consider mentioning giving guests a "warm welcome" from the pulpit occasionally. Have your Sunday School teachers and small group leaders mention it and have some discussion over it. In some churches being friendly and giving a warm welcome is as natural as breathing air...but for some churches (obviously!), this is something that must be taught and instilled into the people. I mentioned before that I felt bad about being ignored as a visitors...but I felt mad as a visiting minister. I was mad because this is likely how every visitor to this church before me has felt. It is only by the grace of God that they feel compelled to come back and stay. Church: we can't be like that. These people should be treated as GUESTS, not just visitors. You claim to have Christ in you...show them that you are different! Maybe they'll want to get to know Him too!
3. If you have a welcome table, make sure the person is friendly, smiling and knows what to do. They should be trained in exactly what to say and how to make people feel welcome. See #1.
4. Cliques should not be so easily noticeable by a visitor like me. Church: If we are the Body of Christ, how in the world are we supposed to function if we are in pieces? Pastors, if you have a "cliquey" church, consider having Sunday School teachers and small group teachers mention the importance of community and intermingling withing the congregation. You could also take some more drastic measures and have your small groups and Sunday School classes mixed up once and a while in order to get people more familiar with each other. One idea I thought might be neat is a "fruit basket turnover" Sunday morning when you ask the congregation to find a person they wouldn't normally sit with and introduce yourself and sit with them. That one might not go over well with some congregations, but with others, they might actually find it fun.
I once heard Andy Stanley make a really dumb comment about people who prefer small churches. He said "You are so stinking selfish. You care nothing about the next generation. All you care about is you and your five friends. You don’t care about your kids or anybody else’s kids." I have a few friends who attend really large churches (and a few who would like to pastor one) who tend to agree with that sentiment. Although Andy retracted those comments and apologized, I still find something interesting: many small churches seem to have what attendees refer to as a "family atmosphere." While every size church has its own problems, a warm family environment should be the norm at church no matter the size. It shouldn't be distant and disconnected like what I experienced at this church. A big church has many resources at its disposal but unless it works at it, a warm family environment isn't going to always "just happen." While a small church has a natural tendency to create relationships, a big church has to, in a sense "manufacture" them. Don't think of that word "manufacture" as a negative term...I simply mean that you must help relationships develop just like you help disciples develop. Part of the disciple-making process is about creating relationships. You have to teach people how to really care about others and how to show them the love of Christ. In a big church you often times have people in the same worship center who would not normally befriend one another. Normal barriers in life should not be present in God's house...race, socioeconomic status or what have you. Relationships should be developed across those lines in churches and the leadership should encourage that and make it a priority. It is more difficult to do this in a larger church but certainly not impossible. First Baptist Church of Atlanta is MASSIVE...but I felt right at home there. People were kind and loving. IT IS POSSIBLE...and furthermore, it should be a priority.
5. What about meet-and-greet time? This one is tricky. This church didn't have one and honestly, given the demeanor of the people, it probably would have felt forced and even more awkward. See, visitors can detect a disingenuous greeting. Many non-church-goers already accuse church people of being fake and hypocritical. While we really are hypocrites on some levels, we can at LEAST try to go beyond being fake. I personally feel that there should be enough fellowship before and after the service that the pastor shouldn't have to ask everyone to greet one another during it. FBC Atlanta asked the people to shake four people's hands and tell them that Jesus loves them. That is a good one, I think. In a very practical sense, a long 15-20 minute session of hand shaking is negative (trust me...I've been there!). In the first place, it is taking away time from the service. People are looking at their watches wanting the pastor to wrap it up by 12 and he is struggle through his 3rd major point at 12:10. You have PLENTY of time to hug people and socialize before and after church. I feel like this time should be shrunk down to the time it takes for your pianist or musicians to play one verse of one song then everyone goes back to singing. At one church I pastored, I posted an article one time that said that a survey of first time visitors to a church said that the number one most uncomfortable thing for them that morning was meet and greet time. They said it "felt fake" and people were swarming them unnaturally. Well DUH! It IS unnatural! Boy when I posted that article on facebook for my church people and friends to just consider you would have thought I proposed taking the cross down from the wall! I think this is an easy one to change if people don't make idols out of tradition...and I'll just leave that right there because its a whole-nother subject for a whole-nother day!
Conclusion: Welcome people to your church. Pastors, prepare your people for visitors. You only get one chance at a first impression. Don't blow it by letting your people blow it!
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